Dating 101: From a Woman's Point of View

When it comes to dating, I'm afraid I'm not exactly an expert. In fact, I can honestly say I have never been on a casual date. I'm the type of person who skips the dating process and goes right into a relationship. Most women have very specific expectations of what should happen on a date... especially a first date. While opinions may vary on the topic of dating etiquette, my friend Mary (a more seasoned dater than I) and I have compiled a list of dating expectations for those who wish to be treated like a lady, by a perfect gentleman. As a caveat, these suggestions are coming from the perspective of what we deem to be the average expectations of women who prefer the man to initiate dating relationships. Even if this is not the case with your date, the suggestions below represent common courtesy and thoughtfulness. Take what you like, and leave the rest!

Dear Gentlemen:

1. Pay for everything. This practice has been contested in recent years with some women wishing to contribute on dates, or “go dutch.” Our suggestion is to err on the side of paying because you may risk not getting a second date if her expectations differ from what you've heard. She may offer to pay out of courtesy, but you should not let her unless she absolutely insists. A compromise may be that she offers to pay for ice cream or coffee after dinner as a sign of appreciation, but only if it’s her idea. You paying also signals that this is a date, and not just “hanging out.” This brings us to our next point.
2. Call a date a date, you're both grown-ups and it won't scare her away. As one former date corrected me, “We're not hanging out, this is a date. Hanging out would be us sitting on the couch watching football and drinking beer.”
3. Never ask a girl out and then say "let me know when you're free." YOU should initiate the scheduling of a date.
4. Ask her real questions and listen for the answers.
5. Don't brag, this is not a job interview.
6. Make a decision (about anything!), giving options is appreciated but reenacting the conversation between buzzards from The Jungle Book "So, what you want to do?" "I dunno, what you want to do?" is a buzz kill. Decisiveness is attractive.
7. When choosing a restaurant, ask her if she has any strong likes/dislikes or food allergies and then choose something that you think works with one place as a backup. A simple, "I thought we'd go to Olive Garden, how does that sound?" gives her an opportunity to voice her opinion but still shows you taking the lead.
8. When you ask her out, call, don't text.
9. Ex drama is left at the door, if you get serious that conversation will happen at the right time.
10. Not all of us girls think about marriage on a first date, but it's okay if we do.
11. We know that first dates are just first dates (even the first 3 for that matter) so don't worry about being pegged as a couple or creating unrealistic expectations. Just have fun!
12. Ask for her number, don't give her yours.
13. Like it or not it is your job to call after first date. If we don't hear from you within a week we may begin to think you're not interested. If, after several dates, you're not interested then tell her. Don't take the cowards way out by just "forgetting" to call until she gets the hint.
14. Telling stories is great, reciting entire books is not. Keep your best and oh-so-entertaining stories brief and to the point.
15. Just as with exes, do not bring up family drama, we all have some and will hear about it in due time but we're there to enjoy our time with you, not to be a therapist. Saying “My parents divorced when I was fifteen and so I lived in two different cities in high school.” is fine. “I have major issues with my mom/dad/sister and it has been hard to develop healthy relationships.” is TMI!
16. Assume she's dating other people at the same time unless it has been stated otherwise and you are exclusive. This means you are free to do the same.
17. Ask her out spontaneously or at the last minute once in awhile, but make that the exception, not the rule.
18. Try to go beyond dinner and a movie. Try walks, museums, Putt Putt, the zoo, an art class, etc.
19. Give reasonable compliments, we can smell flattery a mile away.
20. Compliment her character as well as her looks, it means more.
21. First date: To kiss or not to kiss? Unless the conditions are just right, a first date kiss may create unnecessary pressure or awkwardness where it doesn't need to be. Pay attention to her body language, if it's comfortable and she seems relaxed and is orienting herself close to you, offer your arm as you walk from one place to the next. Then go from there, if the feeling seems mutual, consider it! If not, remember anticipation is a good thing and there is no harm in waiting until you're sure the time is right.
22. Surprise locations and activities are exciting and thoughtful! Just be sure she knows how to dress for the activity.
23. Texting is fun and flirty in moderation, but use your phone as a phone and call her!
24. Offering to pick a lady up from her home for a date is a traditional and courteous gesture if you know each other well enough for this to be comfortable. If it is a blind date, you met online, or do not know each other well, meeting in public is best. When meeting in public, try to find a place that is at least halfway between where both of you live, if not closer to her for the first few dates. If you offer to pick her up at her home and she prefers to meet in public , don't be offended, she is just doing what makes her most comfortable which will make the date more fun for everyone.
25. Open ALL doors, for EVERY woman EVERY time, date or not.
26. HAVE FUN! The point of dating is to get to know each other and have a good time!

Obviously, some women have higher expectations, and some less. The point is, be attentive, be generous, and show her a good time without any pressure. Tastes may vary from loving a man in a suit and tie, to wanting to be the girl on the back of that man's motorcycle, but it is always the gentleman inside that wins a girl's heart.

Do you have any dating rules or pet peeves? What is the best/worst dating experience you've ever had?

What Did You Just Say?!

As I was brainstorming ideas for my next blog post, I decided that I wanted to focus on how we treat others with the words we say. It then occurred to me that I knew the perfect person to help me with this topic, and I contacted my friend Jacqueline to ask if she would like to write a “Guest” post on my blog. To my delight, she accepted my invitation. 

It was a hot April day in southern Florida, and I was squinting in the middle of a field, my 11-month-old balanced on one hip while my other hand was occupied in holding my sunglasses, which I had pulled off so that I could politely make eye contact with the person standing in front of me. We were preparing for a big event and there was no shortage of things going wrong. The crisis of the moment consisted of the beverage supplier supplying us with the wrong spout for the keg. We would soon be faced with a drove of sweaty, exhausted adult dodge ball players, and announcing that we didn't have chilled beer was something I was trying desperately hard to avoid.

“So what is it doing, again?” My husband asked.

The man, a friend of ours, reenacted the event that had been plaguing him. But this time, as he tried to force the obstinate plastic piece to fit, with sweat dripping into his eyes, he insulted my daughter.

My stomach dropped, my heart beat furiously in my chest, and I could feel myself holding my breath as my checks flamed red. My husband, gently, courteously, hinted to the man about what he’d said, but the point was missed.

It may be surprising to hear that our friend insulted my daughter. But the truth is, she is regularly insulted by our distant friends, close friends, even family. Whether we are going to a family-friendly function or a sophisticated dinner party, we run into this problem so often that during the car ride, my husband and I have practice conversations about how we’ll handle the insults. It is sad but true that at some point during the evening, I’ll be discussing current events or a good book and someone will exclaim, “Oh! I thought that movie was so retarded!”

I've had enough practice conversations now that I don’t get as flustered as I used to. Now I can calmly explain to the person, “When you said, ‘I thought that movie was retarded,’ you were using the word ‘retarded’ to mean ‘stupid,’ ‘worthless,’ ‘a waste of my money.’ But you see, my daughter is retarded. If you were to open her medical file, that is what it would say across the top of the first page. But she is not stupid or worthless or the waste of a single penny.”

I am well aware that most people don’t mean that my daughter is stupid or worthless when they call a movie retarded, but that is what they are actually saying. They are using a word to mean stupid that describes my child. We live in a society mature enough to understand the inappropriateness of insulting my black neighbor or my Jewish grocer or my Hispanic hair stylist, but deems it acceptable to insult my special needs child in the form of careless slang.

It is inevitable that wherever we go and whatever we do, we’ll encounter people who are different from us. Handling ourselves in a mature manner opens doors, be it for personal reasons, like new friends, or professional ones, like business opportunities. Using precise language is key. Perhaps the movie you didn't like had a lame ending. Or the politician you disagree with had a very harmful plan for this country. Or the way that athlete acted when he lost the game made himself look bad. Saying what we mean makes us look smarter and more approachable.

But just as inevitable as taxes and death, are mistakes. When we do find ourselves with our feet in our mouths, the best thing to do is to apologize and to do it sincerely. I was at a book club meeting with some friends when one of the girls let the r-word slip. She cut herself off mid-sentence, turned to me, and said very humbly, “Jacqueline, I am sorry. I didn't mean it.” Her willingness to apologize and learn from her mistake elicited more respect from me than if she’d never used the wrong word. I left that book club meeting with a stronger friendship than when I’d entered. It has been wisely noted that virtue is not a patient person being patient, but an impatient person being patient. The same is true with etiquette, “most improved” is a more impressive title than “born perfect.”

Having good etiquette when it comes to language doesn't make us weak or overly sensitive to political correctness, it makes us friendly and graceful because we can make people feel comfortable around us; it makes us genuine and truthful because we are good people both when others are watching and when we’re alone; and it makes us admirable because we handle frustrating situations without reverting to insults.

Jacqueline Kuschel is the blogger behind Journey Narrative, where she chronicles life as a law school wife and special needs mother. She loves reading, writing, hiking, and crocheting. She resides with her husband and daughter in Chicago, Illinois.